Langley, Va - (Cover-up Mess): The mood was sombre at Langley's President George Herbert Bush Center for Intelligence (sic) today amid reports of arson at Hillary Clinton's Haute Terre, Indiana campaign orifice.
NATO's Field Marshall-General Vernon Topper (Ret.) was hurriedly called in and briefed CIA big guns on crucial intelligence, conveniently mothballed since the White House Travel Orifice fiasco.
"The Clinton's 30 years' internecine fighting with an old, patrician Democrat family is behind this," Topper explained.
"I'm completely discounting Barack Obama as the obvious culprit behind the attack," Topper continued, "and urge you to reopen classified files detailing John McCain's flame war speciality techniques.
"Remember: McCain was the stooge hired by Clinton in 1992 in a supposedly mysterious shooting of a Dem Maryland governor whose paterfamilias investigated Warren Commission chicanery," Topper said.
"Clinton and his spouse are rooted in corruption cover-ups involving McCain and his female accomplice, a would-be assassin in the Maryland incident who was never charged due to a terminal brain tumor.
"You either sort out this mess right now of face probably the biggest and most public washing of GOP dirty linen in the entire hystery of the Union."
Topper's sombre warning echoed spookily as firefighters fought to contain the Terre Haute blaze that completely gutted Hillary Clinton's campaign strategy HQ.
Geraldine Ferrarro is pissed as a newt... Gingrich.