Eldorado, Texarse - (Lurid Ass Mess): Fundamentalist nutter Warren Jeffs may have fathered at least two thousand children in his polygamist mind-control Yearn for Zion brothel, Eldorado police authorities said today.
Adolescent girls and young women were told the Almighty was 'keeping a very special place warm and wet for them in his kingdom' if they let Jeffs 'minister unto them, lay his healing hands on their nubile virginity and anoint them with his heavenly manhood unguent' (sic).
Those who refused were bullied, threatened and intimidated before being hurriedly married off to their half-brothers, cousins, grandfathers, uncles..... or any ageing desperate wacko Jeffs' apostle who paid enough $$$ upfront for a ritual deflowering in the Yearning For Zion cultist temple.
Justice Department officials say that Jeffs was planning his very own children's army to minister to the future personal needs of his many influential financial backers who would build up to five hundred temple communities all over the USA.
"Just wait until the papers get hold of Jeffs' donations to George W Bush's Pioneer backers when he ran for Texas governor," one white-faced Austin source said today.