Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced a new plan to save the US economy, at a press conference in Chicago. Standing next to the Dubble Bubble factory, Bernanke promised to blow the economy back up the old fashioned way, with gum.
Earlier plans to resolve the mortgage crisis with an army of bureaucrats have been shelved. Instead, those same officials will now be put to a use where they have greater strengths - blowing hot air.
Dubble Bubble, a subsidiary of Tootsie Roll Industries, will add a nightshift to produce an additional 1 million packs of gum per day. Bernanke said in his speech that the average bureaucrat produces enough hot air to blow 1000 bubbles per day. With 1000 bureaucrats, the Fed chairman said they will add "a megabubble" to the US economy every day.
Stephen Moore, of both the Club for Growth and the Wall Street Journal, has been extremely critical of Bernanke and Hank Paulson, Secretary of the Treasury, over the last few weeks. He praised Bernanke's new plan with a twist: "Well, it sure sounds stupid, but at least it's not as dumb as all the other crap these idiots have been pushing."
Bernanke himself seemed quite optimistic about the plan, noting three ways in which it will help. First, the public will be inspired by the effort, much like the first moonshot. Second, by taking the bureaucrats out of their normal role, it will prevent them from hampering US businesses. Finally, the Federal Reserve will print an extra $1 million per day to pay Dubble Bubble, thus pumping more money into the economy.