Written by Steve Shaw
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Wednesday, 5 May 2004

New York, NY-To most people, the news surrounding global warming these days is something of a drag; impending doom has never played well to the masses. Yet, in one man's tragedy, another man will find a fortune, and it appears that man is Marty Schlottsberg, an ice cream vendor whose beat is downtown New York City. We followed Marty for a record-setting day of sweltering heat in Central Park.

"I tell ya," said an ecstatic Schlottsberg, "this global warming bit has been great for business. Kids, adults, everyone is buying ice cream!" Indeed, it appeared that way as dozens of New Yorkers flocked to Marty's wheeled refrigerator. All appeared flushed with the heat, buying out Marty's stock within hours in a pitiful attempt to escape the reach of the sun.

"The best thing of all," said Schlottsberg, as he counted a handful of five-dollar bills, "is that as time goes on, people are only going to want ice-cream more and more until eventually the ice caps melt away. I'll be a millionaire! And my mother said there was no future in this business."

Marty has also changed his advertising strategy. Instead of playing children's tunes over his speakers to entice buyers, he now plays a continuous loop of slogans such as "Ice cream! Get it before the ice-caps melt!," "It's only going to get hotter!," and "Don't die hot and sad, die hot and happy with Schlottsberg ice cream!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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