WASHINGTON - Doctors attending Attorney General John Ashcroft found a troublesome fact after they ordered surgical removal of the Cabinet officer's heart to prevent a recurrence of bile buildup.
There wasn't one. Not only had the former Missouri Congressman once been beaten in an election by a dead man, it seems that Ashcroft himself is a member of the walking dead.
Dr. Bruce Abell, a surgeon at George Washington University Hospital, citing "an absence of a heart is of concern to us, as it should be to the rest of the country," made the decision to close the opened chest and call in a Voodoo doctor instead. A procedure involving a live rooster, ginger root and fire are expected to be conducted tomorrow.
"As a preventative measure we are going to remove his brain, because when the brain isn't removed, up to 50 percent of zombie patients have a recurrence of virtual life within six weeks," Abell said.
The procedure began at noon EST and was expected to last about two hours. Ashcroft has been hospitalized since Thursday with acute Heart of Maggots and his condition has improved enough to withstand the surgery, Abell said.
It was thought that Ashcrosft's heart was storing green, noxious bile produced by his paranoia, loathing of civil liberties and sheer pathological insanity, making its removal necessary. Instead, it is now obvious that the bile is coursing throughout the AG's body and, in fact, is the only thing keeping him "alive."
Continued living without a heart is normally not possible after its removal, although some people have been able to lead a long life of greed, demeaning others, humiliating children or just being general assholes. Dr. Abell specifically mentioned Martha Stewart, Michael Eisner and Ken Lay as recent examples. Dick Cheney's status as a bloodsucking zombie is also well-documented.
Ashcroft, 61, has been in the hospital's intensive care unit since he was admitted after complaining of a severe anus pain. The connection is not yet apparent to the hospital's medical staff.
Ashcroft was diagnosed with a severe case of heart bile, which can be life-threatening, particularly to others such as teachers, gays, immigrants and everyone else in America. About 20 percent of the estimated 80,000 cases of acute heart absence in the United States each year are considered severe, with a much higher percentage in or near Washington, D.C., according to the National Institutes of Health.
Heartlessness also occurs more frequently in men than in women, according to NIH, and often strikes Republicans more than once. In less severe cases, the condition is soothed by chewing and swallowing stacks of dollar bills.
The Attorney General has cancelled his schedule of fear-mongering for the week to continue treatment for the illness. Deputy Attorney General James Comey is empowered to act for Ashcroft while the AG is being treated.