Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Books, New Orleans

Monday, 3 May 2004

image for Louisiana Imposes Tax on Public Urination
No relief in sight?

New Orleans - Do you have the "urge" and little time to spare? You may be out of luck according to Louisiana lawmakers. A new ordinance hit the books Monday that seeks to eliminate all public urination and defecation on public streets.

On the heels of a much publicized battle against low-riding waistlines, the state's legislators have in effect amended that controversial law from "pants must be kept up" to "pants must be kept up at all times". Last week's ruling had some civil rights groups decrying underlying racism while the new law has mainly just upset bums and drunkards.

New Orleans in particular has been looking for funds to put into the effort of raising the profile of the town. The city, as it stands, is below sea level and actually sinking.

"We're running all sorts of solutions by our city engineers. It basically all comes down to money," Crescent City Mayor C. Ray Nagin said "This just made sense, and the irony was pretty thick considering we are taxing those that are ‘watering' our streets in order to fix our leaking problem. I've got a ‘pees' in the pod reference, but I think I'll stop here."

"Sure, I'm more likely to hold it a few minutes longer now," says retired school teacher Jim Donovan "but we've been dirtying corners in this Parish for as long as I haven't been in diapers."

Donovan's neighbors didn't take the news so Big Easy.

"Do you know what a weekend bender does to your colon? I can't 'Hold It'.", an exasperated Tulane student declared. "We live in New Orleans for God's sake! If we can't wiz on the streets we all might as well be in Branson."

Fellow undergrad Maria Consuela concurred, noting that taking peeing in the street away from the Bourbon Street district faithful would be like "taking swearing loudly away from people in New York."

Even the prospect of drier city streets during torrential thunderstorms could not turn some opinions of the new announcement. Given the choice of dealing with the decomposing corpses that sprout up around the city during ever-present flooding or being afforded the right drop trow at a moments notice, local blues legend Stinky Britches Robinson may have put is best when he quipped "I don't much care, they both smell like shit to me."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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