Aging fast-food spokesman Ronald McDonald was arrested early this morning on his Midland, Texas, farm amidst sensational allegations
of animal abuse.
"Old McDonald," as the retiree is known to area residents, was near-nude in his barn when authorities arrived. Sheriff Billy-Bob Bobby-Bob Bobson, Jr. told journalists that McDonald had glued a number of hot dogs to his body and was singing the following when they were finally able to reach him:
"Old McDonald had a farm
And on that farm he *****ed some cows
With a ***** ***** here and a ***** ***** there
Here a *****, there a *****,
Everywhere a ***** *****"
Arrest attempts were allegedly exacerbated when Ronald and his team of clowns bombarded approaching officers with a "McFlurry" of custard pies. Paramedics rushed three policemen off to hospital after the incident to be treated for severe custard burn to the face and eyes. They are reported to be recovering and in a stable condition, though one doctor labelled the psychological damage as "unconceivable and irreversible. These men will never eat fast-food again."
It is a day of mourning for overweight people around the globe who now fear the demolition of their beloved fast-food outlets should "Old McDonald" be convicted.
This is not the first time that McDonald has been caught up in allegations of corruption and debauchery. Three years ago, "Romping Ronald", then of Necrophiliacs Anonymous, was accused of breaching health and safety regulations after supplying a string of contaminated farm animals to McDonalds fine cuisine purveyors worldwide. The fast-food supremo escaped with a minimal fine after claiming that the animals had died from natural causes. In a related case that year, McDonalds had refuted allegations that their mayonnaise was not actually mayonnaise. An impartial panel of investigators, funded by Michael Jackson, found no conclusive evidence.