Written by Wordsmith
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Topics: Gravity

Saturday, 29 March 2008

image for Suburban school district claims the law of gravity just "A theory"

There is an old familiar adage, "what goes up, must come down." Our brains have turned into the body's second appendix and it's been inducing paranoia in many high school dropouts who have taken drastic action in getting emergency lobotomies before intelligence begins to set in.

Grown men lumber into the bathroom too afraid to wipe themselves because it might make them late for their job interview at Wal-Mart where a yodeling door greeter position just opened up.

Times are hard, all the coalmines have collapsed and trailer parks are being anchored to the morbidly obese to avoid becoming the next feast for a tornadic onslaught cooked up by Jesus Christ's vendetta against homosexual matrimony and premarital sex with botched makeshift condoms composed of trash bags and driveway gravel.

So it was no surprise when the local school district ruled that the law of gravity is mere theory, because if it were an actual law then Tatum Smith the high schools 800 lb PE instructor would already be serving a life sentence. Explain why the morbidly obese don't have large debris circling around them when they walk. Or what about Saturn? It has rings but Jupiter doesn't, making terminal laymen propose gravity when in fact Saturn is wearing a belt to promote Phat Farm's new line of intergalactic fashions

"Gravity, like evolution is nothing more than a travesty" said Professor Zeke Feinbergsteinwitz who made a controversial move recently by boycotting creationism to teach cretinism instead.

"For years myriads of astronomers have been eating figs and fondling their telescopes to Sir Isaac Newton's theory of relativity. But my theory is that if a plane crashes, then it is because the plane wanted to crash. A perfect scientific example of the freedom of choice and everybody has that right just as the earth revolves around the sun because it is bored and bloated from all the water weight" said Feinbergsteinwitz.

"See, I will demonstrate, watch this" he said before leaping out the 11th story window and crashing through the windshield of a parked car.

After one of President Bush's 100,000 gallon think tank sessions there were recent rumblings of the possibility of declaring war on gravity, but then he remembered that our military has run paper thin of troops so the notion to nuke a theory was redacted and hastily replaced with a regiment of cardboard decoys.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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