In a surprise move Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse has been subpoenaed by the Grand Jury investigating the case involving the public naming of ex CIA agent Valerie Plame, to Conservative columnist Robert Novak who dutifully reported it to the world, apparently not caring that he was aiding in the commitment of a Federal Offence. The outing was allegedly done by Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney's Chief of Staff Lewis (Scooter) Libby in retaliation for Plame's husband, former Ambassador Joseph ( no nickname known, so let's just call him Joey) Wilson's allegations that the Bush Administration knew that the evidence they presented to the world as justification for attacking Iraq was false.
Speaking to this reporter for the first time on record, Mr. Waterhouse was quoted as saying, "This is all your fault! How the hell can they do this to me? I'm a fictional fucking character in your stupid stories for God's sake! I don't even have a body! How am I gonna get to the court house? And when I don't show up, since I can't show up, what're they gonna do? Issue a bench warrant? Oh, God, I'm screwed! You gotta fix this!"
White House officials are also investigating Mr. Waterhouse in an effort to determine why they have been issuing regular paychecks to an imaginary character for three and a half years. In addition they want to know who has been using Mr. Waterhouse's health coverage to the tune of $135,672.98 for a variety of procedures ranging from a nose job to repair a deviated septum, acne treatments, liposuction, acupuncture, massage and chiropractic services, laser vision eye care and hair replacement as well as extensive cosmetic dental work. Mr. Waterhouse may face criminal charges in this matter. Waterhouse's creator, Chuck Terzella, who is looking pretty good these days since, among other things, he got rid of his glasses and had his teeth done, has refused to comment publicly on the growing scandal, other than to say, "Wegman who? Never heard of the guy."