Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Iraq

Thursday, 27 March 2008

image for White House Sponsors Contest to Find a Purpose for the War in Iraq
"Hold on a sec...I-r-a-c-k"

Washington, D.C. World War I was "The War to End All Wars", and World War II was "The War to Make the World Safe for Democracy....More-or-Less, Some of the Time". Now the White House has challenged classes of high school students, throughout America, to come up with a catchy reason why we are fighting in Iraq, and what we are hoping to accomplish.

"We must not let our soldiers die in vain" George Bush implored at a recent meeting of high school honors students, in Rockbridge, Virginia. "We must fight on, until we have achieved victory. And to do that, we must first come up with a reason why we are fighting, and then we will be able to know whether or not we have won."

The original reasons for invading Iraq fell through with Condoleezza Rice's famous "Oops, we goofed..." remarks. When asked how we could have annihilated 100,000 innocent Iraqi men, women and children, in the initial bombing of Bagdhad...roughly equal in magnitude to dropping the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima (estimated 90,000 to 140,000), ...only to have found out, later, that it was all due to a mistaken security report...Condoleezza Rice replied:

"Oops, we goofed.... As it turns out, not only were there no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, there were not even any terrorists in Iraq. However, now that we have started the job, we must finish it up, and bath the entire country in unceasing blood and agony, until we have won...whatever it is we are trying to win."

America's high school students have responded energetically with new ideas for why we are fighting in Iraq.

"Its the War to make Iraq safe from Saddam" said one student. "He killed so many people! Now that Saddam has died, and many more people have been killed than ever died under his rule, we must find someone else to free the country from...maybe its that Al-Sadar guy...".

Another student offered, "This is a war to bring Democracy to Iraq. Of course, since 90% of the Iraqi poeple don't want us there, they obviously are not ready for Democracy, yet. We need to continue to build our bases there so we can enforce Democracy on them. We need the kind of Democracy were we rule them, until they accept the idea of Democracy."

Another student suggested, "This is really 'Make-work' for the Pentagon. Since terrorism has tripled world-wide, since the start of the war, it has serves to keep the military-industrial complex busy, so they can pay off their $5 million dollar homes, with unbridled military spending. Its much better than for them to suffer the indignity of going into the Welfare office and asking for a $5 million payout."

"This is the War to help Dubais control the World's oil fields," suggested another student. "Since Haliburton moved its corporate headquarters to Dubais, in March of 2007, the US government has been essentially high-jacked to do the bidding of the oil magnates in Dubais. By taking command of the world's greatest military super-power, they hope to control all of the world's oil fields. It certainly hasn't helped our oil supply" the student remarked.

Editors note: Evan Essence received his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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