Written by Unconfirmed Source
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Topics: Military, Report

Sunday, 2 May 2004

image for Siege of Onion Compound Ends! Military Withdraws and Declares Victory.
Victorious Troops Return Home.

Unconfirmed Sources report that US Forces have withdrawn from the area surrounding the embattled Onion Compound. The surprise pullout began last night after negotiations broke down with the staff of the The Onion. As the trucks and tanks left the area Don Rumsfeld declared victory at the local military headquarters.

The military and The Onion's charismatic Editor-in-Chief Carol Kolb have been negotiating by radio for a peaceful end to the 423 day standoff. The talks had been going well for several weeks when they hit a snag. The Onion staff had not come through on a promise to turn over their heavy weapons and the military grew impatient. Continued threats by the military to flatten the compound and pave it over had no effect. The negotiations broke down for good at about 7:45 pm when Kold told the military to "Bring it on!"

"We knew something was happening at about 8 pm." said a local observer. "We heard lots of shouting and then we saw a fleet of trucks and tanks start to leave the area. They just up and left, it took about an hour for the front lines to empty out. The supply areas in the rear have also cleared out. Its like a ghost town out there. All you can see is the shattered remains military vehicles."

Don Rumsfeld called a news conference at the military headquarters and read a prepared statement. "We are proud to announce that the standoff is over and America is Victorious. We have fought long and hard and lost many brave soldiers in the siege, but it was worth it and American, and the world is a safer place. Our troops are returning home to their families and we can now take the time to honor our dead for victory is ours. Local law enforcement will resume their patrols of the area and keep the peace."

The local sheriff Tom Briggs, the former head of security of the Onion in the mid 80s, told the assembled media that everything was under control and that regular patrols of the area would begin as soon as the military had departed. "It's a bit of mess out there, but we'll have the situation taken care on in a few days."

The Onion's Assistant Editor Amie Barrodale e-mailed a statement to the satirical media. "We at The Onion, a fine news source, would like to thank the US military for their understanding and patience during the stand off. We now know it was all a big misunderstanding and we think that the military should consider their mission accomplished."

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