AP, SARASOTA - Prefer your fried food a la four pm? Like to eat your eel early? Beware: such habits may earn you a one-way trip to the nursing home.
Startling statistics from a recent AP study of thousands of Sarasota, FL adults who regularly indulged in dinner before 4:30pm indicate:
- 48% needed hearing aids
- 79% wore dentures
- 88% required some form of a walking aid
- a whopping 96% suffered from advanced skin wrinkling
The AP stopped short of explaining a link between early dining and advanced aging. However, a CDC representative did note the peculiarity, warning that "due to some statistically significant correlation, at this time we are compelled to caution against the practice of dining prior to 5pm."
The Ol' Timers' Buffet chain of Central Florida has already received notifications of litigation from attorneys representing aged customers. A Buffet spokesperson stated that the company "may be forced to keep the doors closed 'til 5pm, even if that means losing most of our dinner codgers."
It's not the first time restaurants have come under fire for patrons' health -- or lack thereof.
The ACLU has sued several fast food chains, arguing that "the average American cannot comprehend the caloric complexities of a whopper, large fries and a milk shake."