Cambridge, Massachusetts Few people have ever heard US Vice President Dick Cheney's voice. He characteristically sits glumly behind the podium at US Senate proceedings, silently glaring at everyone, as if to remind them that the days of Representative Democracy, in America, are over, and he, and "The Decider" make all of the decisions.
So it startled the research community, when a rare tape of Mr. Cheney actually saying something, surfaced, and a high-speed computer analysis, performed by an MIT computer lab, using a mathematical procedure known as Fourier Tranforms, revealed a strong correspondence between Mr. Cheney's speech patterns, and those of the latest threatening message from Osama Bin Laden.
The characteristic staccato patches of high-ranging squeaks, interspersed throughout Bin Laden's tell-tale meandering, ostrich-like, sing-song, Middle Eastern-accented bleetings, showed a 97% correlation---when compensated by an octane shift, and filtered through a typical Hollywood studio voice filtering machine---to the lower, less variagated, but equally stern, voice of Dick Cheney.
The most recent message from Bin Ladin, in which he threatened to attack Europe, appeared mysteriously, this week, the day before Dick Cheney visited European leaders, urging them to start sending troops to Iraq in support of the Eternal, Unending War to Incite Terrorism.
Harvard professor of political science, Barney Hampton, explained, "with the US economy suddenly dipping into hyper-stagflation, and most economists admitting we are not just in a recession, but the beginning of another Great Depression---suddenly all of the wealthy Republican businessmen, who have been backing Republicans in the Senate, are faced with the reality that the multi-trillion dollar War in Iraq, which has been delicately, and euphemistically called "at this point, a drag on the economy" will be enough cripple any economic recovery, which will inevitably destroy all of the financial gains they have made over the last 30 years."
Professor Hampton added, "With Republicans in the Senate suddenly eager to cut off war funding, before their benefactors loose their life's savings from impending economic collapse, Cheney finds himself scurrying to Europe to see if he can find any other leaders willing to destroy their nation's economies, the way we have destroyed our economy, through absurdly futile War in Iraq."
Editors note: Evan Essence received his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing