Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Coffee, Starbucks

Saturday, 22 March 2008

image for After Baristas win $100 Million Dollar judgment, Starbucks says: "It's Gas, Grass or Ass from now Onward. No body rides for free."
Maybe this socially conscious coffeehouse should clean house and remove the rafter from its own eye

Seattle, Washington - Starbuck's business practice of letting shift supervisors dip their hands into the baristas tip jar, allowing them to split it instead properly compensating them from its coffers of corporate profits was challenged in a court ruling today. Ordered to pay $100 million dollars Starbucks took (i.e. shift supervisors) from its current and former baristas, however, has its customers everywhere worried about one thing only: Will they be the ones picking up the tab just for leaving a gratuity?

"No need to be concerned. Here at Starbucks we like to think of ourselves as a socially conscious corporation," said a spokesman for the coffee bean Titian. "We fully intend to bite the bullet on this one internally just as we always do to help keep the price of coffee affordable to the average Joe. The price you pay for your Espressos, Double Mochas and Lattes will be totally unaffected by the court judgment."

Starbucks intends to move forward with its plans not to pass the buck to the consumers but taking full responsibility for payment of the court judgment by making adjustments to the benefits package of some of its employees.

A memo circulating from the human resources department would seem to confirmed just that as it announced the cost of the lawsuit would be met by recalling all shift supervisors bonuses, a figure amounting to $100 million dollars, coincidently the exact same amount of the judgment.

However, the amount, though substantial, still is not enough to cover the cost of the lawsuit and lawyer's fees. Therefore, the following company privileges and perks will be reduced or cut out completely from the shift supervisors and baristas benefits package as well:

1. All shift supervisors and baristas are expected to give up all unlimited access to the fleet of corporate limousines -- turning in their bus passes no later than Monday morning.

2. Until further notice, all shift supervisors and baristas access to medical benefits at the local county run free clinic is restricted to a case-by-case bases and for life threatening sexually transmittable diseases or abortions only - You'll thank us later. You can't afford another mouth to feed on what we're paying you.

3. All shift supervisors and baristas will no longer be compensated for their traveling expenses -- From now onward, everyone will be expected to pay their own Coyote boarder crossing fees out of pocket.

"To put it in the generational nomenclature of the Starbucks Baby boomer socially conscious corporate figureheads," said the Starbucks spokesman. "'It's gas, grass or ass from now onward. No body rides for free."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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