April 30, 2004 (Minneapolis, MN) -
It was a sad turn of events today during the annual Muppet Alumni Parade (M.A.P.). Spectators looked on helplessly as Kermit the Frog was assasinated while riding in his truck up 9th & Skeeter Street.
Fozzie Bear, Kermit's chauffer, is still in complete schock over the incident.
"It just wasn't supposed to happen like this!" says Fozzie. "This parade is supposed to be a celebration of our creator, Jim Henson. How could this happen? To this frog? It just doesn't make any sense. It came out of nowhere. It should have been me."
We asked if, despite the loss of his friend, he felt lucky to still be alive.
"Oh, I dunno. I mean, I'm still thinking about what happened to Kermit. No time to really think about myself, you know? On the other hand, I guess I was glad it wasn't a tomato that came through the windshield. Wakka-wakka!"
Unfortunately, Kermit wasn't the only victim of this horrifically brutal shooting. Prarie Dawn, resident of Sesame Street, was hit in the nose with broken glass. She is now disfigured after the doctors had to remove the nose. Her statement:
"Um... I never had a nose."
Our mistake. No arrests have been made yet, but local authorities talked to witnesses who described the shooter as a short, furry blue monster who left behind a trail of cookie crumbs upon his retreat.
The Count, who organizes the parade every year, gave a press conference an hour after the incident. His official statement:
"That's one! One dead froggy! A-ah-ah-ah!"
Immediately following his statement, a mysterious bolt of lightning flashed behind him.