Hillary Clinton didn't want to have to go to Evansville, Indiana.
The Democratic presidential hopeful said she prayed she'd have enough of her party's delegates wrapped up by March 20 to guarantee her nomination, rather than having to visit "southern Indiana pig farmers, smile, shake their grimy hands, and act like I cared about them."
Clinton insiders said the former First Lady dreaded going to Evansville because it signaled her campaign was in deep trouble.
"Evansville's just the start," one campaign worker said. "I mean, Hillary is going to have to start sucking up to one voter at a time, which, for the life of her, she didn't want to do, despite what her fake smile tricks you into believing.
"The bad part is, there will be an endless stream of Evansvilles in the coming weeks."
Evansville was swept up in Hillary Fever this week as elementary school children hand-painted signs that read, "Create better jobs in other cities so our parents can get us the hell out of Evansville NOW!" and "We like your lies, not Obama's," also, "If you're elected, will we all have to wear pantsuits during your term?"
Meanwhile, the Masturbators Club of Southern Indiana grudgingly endorsed Ms. Clinton, saying it didn't have much choice since there weren't any other women candidates, although if she was pitted against Ms. Obama, Ms. Clinton "wouldn't carry a single precinct."
One club member suggested that Ms. Clinton at least show some leg or wear a tight, white blouse so his fellow self-abusers could get a little more excited about her. Giles Robertson, the club's past president, said that if Ms. Clinton was caught in a lesbian relationship with somebody hot, his organization would throw enthusiastic support her way.
Ms. Clinton said she's at the point in her campaign that she'll take MCoSI's suggestions under advisement. Also, she might allow Robertson to grope her if he'll assure her that he can deliver southern Indiana's lone super-delegate, who, coincidentally, is also a club member.
"Now do you see what I mean about Evansville?" she said to an aide. "It's a sign of things to come."