Written by Louis O'Donovan
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Tuesday, 18 March 2008

image for Bear Stearns Changes Name to Bull Stearns
The running of the bull: coming soon to Wall Street

Against the backdrop of bearish sentiment on Wall Street, Bear Stearns announced today that it would change its name to Bull Stearns, effective immediately.

"Our new name more accurately reflects our liquidity position and financial strength," PR manager of the firm Joanna Tunsten said during a hastily scheduled press conference in Budget Lodge in Queens on Monday.

During the same press conference, the company also announced that it would lay off all employees except CEO Jack Schwartz and a few senior VPs, and all company assets, including spiral binders, hole punchers, and staplers, would be listed on Ebay in order to raise capital to buy back shares.

"We believe this is a historic opportunity to invest in the future of this great company," Jack Schwartz said during a telephone interview.

Matthew De Silva, chief equity analyst of Bull Stearns, gives the stock a rating of "Extremely Strong Buy." "We believe the stock will trade in the $200 range in six to nine months." The share is last traded on New York Stock Exchange at $3.96 on Monday.

The bullish sentiment is not shared by everyone, however. "This is, frankly, alot of bull," said David Hirschberg, of Ross, Rifkind & Feinstein, a security litigation firm based in Manhatten, who is filing a class action suit on behalf of Bear Stearns shareholders.

"We intend to go after every stapler, every hole puncher, and every paperclip, in order to seek compensation for our defrauded share holders," Mr. Hirschberg said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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