Hollywood is misinformed about the number of white people who have blacks as best friends and should start portraying such relationships more realistically on TV and film, according to a report released by the National Alliance of Caucasians on Monday.
"Our research shows that four whites in America have black best friends, and one of them is blind, so you probably shouldn't count that one, but we included him just to show we're not racist," said Herve Montgomery, the Alliance's president. "But in every TV show and movie that comes out, the lead white character's bosom buddy is a black dude. On what planet does that happen?"
Montgomery said he would gladly share his research with the "Hollywood Propaganda Machine," but it's not listed in the phone book, and even if he could get a meeting, its members would either lose his scraps of paper or get them out of order and make the Fairview, Kansas-based organization look like a bunch of crackpots.
"Our numbers diverge wildly from Hollywood's," said Montgomery, as he rifled through several Motel 6 bedside notepads to locate his talking points. "Plus, they have an agenda. They're pushing racial harmony on viewers. That's not the America I know."
Montgomery said blacks are too cool to associate with whites, much less consider them their best friends. If anything, Hollywood producers come from a white point of view and foist their "best friendedness" on blacks, wishing it was so. Blacks, meanwhile, mock the make-believe film world that shows them as next-door neighbors who confide their inner-most thoughts and feelings with white people, meet socially at yacht clubs, laugh at white humor and vacation together.
"I'm not saying it couldn't or shouldn't happen, it just doesn't," Montgomery said. "In real life, there are no 'King of Queens,' in which right-wing oaf Doug Heffernan is best friends with Deacon Palmer. And if Stephanie was half as cool as she appears to be on 'My Boys,' she wouldn't be hanging with dorky PJ."
Montgomery said the only realistic show on TV is Everybody Loves Raymond "because while Ray interacts with blacks as part of his job, they are not part of his calling circle."
"And when Robert Barone started seeing his black cop partner socially, she laughed uproariously when it was misconstrued that they were dating, exposing him for the goofy white guy he is."
The Alliance's report also said that its research couldn't find a single close foursome that included a white, a black, an Asian and a gay, contrary to Hollywood's belief that every group has those components.
"Next, Hollywood will try to tell us that the Crips and the Aryan Brotherhood are best friends, too," Montgomery said.