Written by Emily Moorehead
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Topics: Microsoft

Wednesday, 5 September 2001

image for Microsoft secures redemption & plans theme park
Microsoft - Putting the 'fun' back into funeral

Microsoft Industries held an unexpected press conference early this month to announce their recent takeover of Heaven (Inc).

In an unprecedented corporate move, Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates, succeeded in acquiring 51 percent of all stock in Heaven, upsetting the majority share previously held by the YHWH and the YMCA.

"We have wonderful plans for the restructuring of Heaven," stated Gates, whom co-workers have begun referring to as 'Pearly'. "We'll be upgrading the informational structure of the Book of Life and adding a new visitor feature called WinHarp 7.0 which should be in place before the close of business today. Naturally, St. Peter is our man on this one."

Crediting Peter as an extraordinarily dedicated bookie, Gates stated that Microsoft had no immediate plans to downsize Heaven's angel status and added that YHWH would be staying on as Honorary Webmaster. However, Gates did mention a need for an immediate upgrade to Heaven's communications center, stating, "After we're done, there should be no more complaints of unanswered prayers."

A spokesman for Microsoft added that negotiations were already in the works to acquire Heaven's southern neighbor, Beelzebub Industries, in the orchestration of a merger with the newly acquired Heaven, Inc. Gates will be meeting with their CEO, Belial Abaddon, in a meeting later in the week.

In related news: Concerning last week's announcement for a theme park based on Microsoft's popular Windows program, Gates said, "We're designing a special techno-entomology roller coaster that will be the star of the theme park. The ride will feature numerous glitches, downtime and freezes highlighted by cartoon musicals of popular bugs, all presented on the famed Windows blue screen background." Gates was referring to Virus World, its main attraction being a super coaster called "The Worm."

A special William Tell Adventure is also in the works. The ride will supply participants with sturdy bows and enough nuclear-tipped arrows to destroy as many "Macintosh Monsters" as they can before the ride ends. The Apples are designed to pop up in a frightening fashion along the course of the ride and losers will receive a free copy of the still incomplete Windows 13.1. Microsoft estimates the park will be completely functional by the end of the year and they expect to go online by the spring of 2002.

[Copyright for this parody press release held by Emily Moorehead, 2001. However, the link to this page may be freely shared]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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