Written by Dan Bristol
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Topics: Washington, Spam

Friday, 30 April 2004

image for Four Charged With Violation of Spam Laws
Spam: I Bet You Were Expecting Something Else

WASHINGTON -- Federal authorities say they have finally infiltrated the dark underworld of spam, filing the first criminal charges under the government's new "can spam" legislation.

Court documents in the landmark case in Detroit describe a tangled web of fronts and proxies not unlike the story of Keyser Soze in the movie "the Usual Suspects" in one alleged spam operation.
According to sources, spam packages were sometimes delivered to a restaurant, where a greeter accepted them and passed them along to a defendant.

Officials at the Federal Trade Commission, who announced the arrests in Washington on Thursday, said U.S. District Court Judge James F. Holderman froze the operation's assets at their request.
The FTC told U.S. postal investigators they had received more than 10,000 complaints about unwanted spam sent by the defendants. Over 20 million cans of the tasty meat by-product were seized.

"The scam artists who exploit the Internet for commercial gain should take notice," said Jeffrey G. Collins, the U.S. attorney in Detroit. "Federal law now makes it a felony to use falsehood and deception to hide the origin of the spam."

The case was brought before a federal court Thursday. "We want to make it absolutely clear to lawbreakers that we are not going to tolerate spam any more," prosecutors said. "It's loaded with fat and cholesterol."

DISCLAIMER: The writer would like to apologize to The Spoof's readers for this appallingly bad article and even desperately worse attempt at a joke. He didn't mean to let rip such a dreadfully lame joke, only things haven't been going so well for him lately, what with things at home being the way they are. His wife ran off with a mayonnaise salesman the other day, taking with her the cash he'd raised for corrective surgery to have his spleen remodeled. His children have also been a source of worry, what with his son turning out to be a badger and his daughter joining a focus group. The dog also ran away this week, claiming he needed more space. Those sorry little ingrates……Anyway, I am deeply sorry for this terrible joke……………………………NO I'm NOT! MWA HA HA HA!!!!!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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