Written by Tiki Murphy
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Topics: School

Saturday, 15 March 2008

image for Paranoid Officials Tank Scholastic Achievement
Jeremiah Goode.

In recent months the government as been trying to outlaw home schooling. In California they have succeeded. However, with high suspension rates throughout the nation, it appears they may have acted too soon. Due to the pompous school officials many children are being suspended for no true reason.

One such example was the suspension of Jerome Wilson for his haircut. It appears that instead of a basic fade, he had the American flag shaved into his head. Col. Stephen Wilson of the U.S. Army, retired, a.k.a. Jerome's dad, stated, "The boy was just showing his pride and culture. I was a 20 year military man and his mama is African American. I'm proud of my boy blending both of his cultures. But the principal said it was a distraction so they suspended him until it grows out or he shaves his head completely. This is a sad day in American history. I didn't risk my life for this."

In a paranoid yet ingenuous attempt to completely dominate and control the youth of America, officials have declared Jeremiah Goode as the 'Head of Education Reform'. Jeremiah gives this example of how 'his schools' are to be run.

"There will be a dress code of drab grey uniforms. Button down shirts and slacks for the boys, high collar and long sleeved blouses and ankle length skirts for the girls. There will be no 'figure' enhancing clothing, such as wonder bras, water bras, etc. Boys will have short hair in one of three styles: Marine, Army, or Navy. The girls will wear their hair in a tight and severe bun.
There will be no talking period. No fun whatsoever. No calculators. No computers, we have decided they are a distraction. No cell phones. No lunches brought from home. This is due to the fact that the school would not receive money if the children do not buy lunches at school. This was addressed after that boy bought Skittles from another boy for one dollar. It will not be tolerated.

"All extracurricular activities, both athletic and academic, will be cancelled. We are focusing on education, and the purity of our minds, bodies, and spirit."

The list goes on and new rules are added every hour.

Due to the paranoia and delusional fear of today's youth, officials have turned over full control to Mr. Goode.

"We believe that Jeremiah Goode will takes us back to the Puritanical... I mean purist... No uhn.. the basics, he will takes us back to the basics," states Goode supporter John McCain.

However, many parents do not agree and are taking courses to become tutors and teachers. There is a expected influx of homeschooling.

"It's nothing more than a witch hunt. That's all it's been for the last few years," Col. Wilson declares.

Many political parents with school age children are getting the silent treatment. Goode supporters are getting major credit card debts, especially if there are teenage girls in the household.

On the bright side, a majority of Ivy league universities have now dropped their expectations. Also, 900 on the S.A.T.'s will be considered average.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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