The 9/11 Commission today heard testimony from U.S. President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney as to the actions of the two men immediately before, the day of, and immediately after the events of September 11, 2001. Per the request of the White House, no recording devices were allowed during the testimony which lasted 3 hours (put into perspective, this is nearly a full 4 seconds of their collective time given to each victim), whereas originally Bush had insisted on one hour total for both men to testify. In addition, the entire 9/11 panel was present and not just the 2 the White House had originally wanted to handpick, but in concession for this, the testimony was taken jointly (so as not to give the men the opportunity to conflict each other). Furthermore, the testimony was not taken under oath (which theoretically would allow the men to lie through their teeth, but this reporter would never suggest such a thing).
Though the notes of the commission are at this point sealed, an unnamed source claims to have "overheard the whole thing while taking a monster dump in a bathroom next door." Since the source was not wearing any pro-Kerry items on his person when we spoke with him, we consider him to be an impartial and credible source. The transcript of our interview follows:
The Spoof (hereafter TS): "Thank you for your time."
Unnamed Source (hereafter US): "Not a problem...anyone who can spend 3 hours in the bathroom and not be missed can surely spend a few minutes talking to the press."
TS: "So, tell us, what was your impression of the testimony of Bush and Cheney?"
US: "Well, I suppose they didn't lie any more than usual, about 50% lies and 40% distortions, pretty much status quo for this administration."
TS: "What was the gist of their testimony?"
US: "Well, basically, Bush said it was all Clinton's fault and Cheney backed him up."
TS: "What was all Clinton's fault exactly?"
US: "Oh, everything. It was Clinton's fault that we had such a booming economy because he gave people all this false hope and created all this new money in the economy. But in reality, all this money was just this artificial bubble that had to burst some time. So the terrorists knew this and took advantage of the fact that our economy was overinflated to send us back down to earth by flying planes into the World Trade Center."
TS: "But, one has to ask, there are many other reasons people point to as to why Al Quaeda went after us. Let's discount them and say that even if the reason Al Quaeda attacked us has nothing to do with our having the gall to set up military operations on their holy land during the first Gulf War and failing to stick around to put things back the way we left them; even if the attacks had nothing to do with the American government's single minded support of Israel sometimes to the exclusion of all the other viewpoints; even if the attacks had absolutely nothing to do with the entire "our shit don't stink" attitude America in general cops to the rest of the world; and even if we accept as bona fide fact that the only reason the terrorists attacked us is because Clinton made us too artificially rich and they thought we didn't deserve it, then wouldn't there still have been some planning involved that Bush and Cheney could have learned about via intelligence sources and done something about before it actually happened?"
US: "Apparently that's Clinton's fault too, because in their estimation, Clinton filled America, themselves included, with this false sense of security by not engaging in any big wars or kicking any ass. Dick and Bush see it that Clinton should have cleaned Saddam's clock back in ‘93, that would have laid the groundwork for future wars so that the entire Middle East could be within a century or two of being one big happy U.S. led Democracy by now, and we wouldn't have these problems. Plus a decade of war that we should have been fighting continuously for the past 10 years, which Bush would have inherited and intensified, would have left the U.S. wary of all foreign attackers. Had they been sufficiently wary, they would have known not to, as Bush put it, ‘wipe their assess' with the August 6 memo saying Al Quaeda had trained pilots inside the U.S. with the intent of attacking our buildings."
TS: "I see. So they too had a false sense of security because things seemed to be going so well, so they didn't follow up on those documents which in retrospect were clearly giant red alarm bells?"
US: "Essentially yes, though that's not the way they put it. They spin it by saying that things were really, really messed up in the world because of Clinton's policies, and that Clinton made it seem like he had it under control, and that he was so good at doing so that even Dick and Bush were fooled, but never again, and that's why the day after the attacks, Bush started the ball rolling on the Iraqi invasion plan that Bush himself had personally drafted a few months after his father left office."
TS: "So, Bush essentially admitted that he took office with the plan of attacking Iraq all along?"
US: "Well, there was so much bullshit flying it was hard to pin them down on anything, but I think what he was saying was he had this plan written in case it ever needed to be used, God forbid of course. He didn't really think he'd have to implement it because things seemed to be going so well. But his false sense of security was shattered so violently by the 9/11 attacks, he got ‘overly' cautious and started to believe every scrap of paper that seemed to implicate anyone in anything (unless of course they were Saudi's because it's a well known fact that anyone with that much oil must be our ally). He was so cautious about self defense in fact that he didn't even bother to inspect the forged Nigerian Yellowcake Uranium document to see exactly how bogus it was. He felt he had made a mistake by letting Clinton's nonchalant style lead him to ignore crucial evidence, that he was going to err on the side of caution when it came to assessing any other threats, even if it meant killing innocent civilians and our military youth ‘just in case', because in his words, it doesn't matter if they're currently plotting against us, just the fact that they someday might needs to be good enough for us if we're going to win this war on terror."
TS: "OK. So I think I have a good idea, at least of what they're saying happened just before and just after the attacks, but what about the day of? Specifically did the commission ask why Bush knew about the planes having been hijacked well before they hit the towers yet did not order fighter jets to take down the planes despite the fact that he is the only person in the U.S. with the power to issue such an order? Or did they address why Bush continued to keep his seat in the Florida elementary school class for a full five minutes after he was told the second tower had been hit?"
US: "Well, those questions were asked, and Bush started to say something about wanting to hear the ending of the book he was reading, but Dick smacked him upside the head, after which Bush stuck his fingers in his ears and sang ‘la la la la la, I can't hear you, la la la la la'. Cheney then told them all to move on to another question if they didn't want to find horse heads in their beds tomorrow morning."
TS: "Anything else worth mentioning about the testimony?"
US: "Not really. Well, let me take that back. I could have sworn I heard one of the commissioners ask Bush why his nose was growing, but I figured I must have misheard, those walls are thin, but things can still get muffled."
TS: "Well, thanks for your scoop."
US: "No problem. Say, maybe we..."
With that, a gunshot rang out, silencing my unnamed source for good. I could not get a look at the gunman, but I did see a man dressed in black from head to toe running from the scene. He was wearing a cowboy hat and a belt buckle with "GWB" emblazoned on it. If anyone has any information leading to the arrest or impeachment of this gunman, please contact the Spoof at once.