The Centers for Disease Control proudly unveiled statistics today proving that 75% of teenage girls show no signs of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). President George W. Bush proclaims that the figures represent a triumph for his "abstinence only" education program.
"It has been drawn to my attention", a smiling Bush said at an early afternoon meeting with reporters, "that 75% of teenage girls are free from sexually transmitted disease. This proves that my abstinence program has been a total success".
Bush stated that when he was a youth he was told that nearly all young women possessed some form of sexually transmitted disease, however, it was called something else.
"I think we used to call it 'couties'. Same word but different spelling and pronunciation," Bush stated. "I think we are on the brink of eradicating sexually transmitted diseases once and for all!"
Many scientists disputed Bush's assertions and claimed that STDs such as Aids, syphilis and gonorrhea were actually on the rise and more teenage girls than ever are sexually active. The scientists claim that Bush's abstinence program is a dismal failure. Bush did not want to speak with those scientists.
When asked about the 25% that did have STD's the President simply replied, "Who cares about them? they're just whores".