Written by S. A. White
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Wednesday, 5 May 2004

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Washington - Grant Hibbard, one of the commanders who wrote a glowing evaluation of John Kerry 36-years ago, now a Republican, is questioning whether Mr. Kerry deserved one of the three Purple Hearts he received as a result of a shrapnel wound in Vietnam.

Responding to questions about waiting 37 years to voice his concerns, General Hibbard stated, "At the time, I didn't realize he was going to get a Purple Heart for another shrapnel wound. If I had known, I'd have sent that boy right out and told him to make the wound longer, larger, deeper, make it bleed more, maybe lose an arm, a leg, anything! I just don't know what I was thinking. It's a wonder I wasn't court-marshalled for dereliction of duties."

Hibbard has now joined a growing number of Republicans questioning the Pentagon's criteria for medals. Rumors are circulating that a petition will soon be submitted to the Joint Chiefs of Staff recommending higher standards for qualification - a move that Republicans say would save the country hundreds of thousands of dollars a year (funds that could easily be diverted for a pre-emptive strike somewhere else).

One spokesperson stated, "I just think we should take a long, hard look at our criteria for heroship. I'm certainly not being partisan, because as we all know, there's room for change in everything, including in the Republican party. Just look at Senator John McCain; he spent what, 5-years in a POW camp? Well, at least he got out alive. He could have just as easily have spent that 5-years away at summer camp. And then there's Senator Max Cleland of Georgia. All he lost was a few limbs. Come on now, make it four and you've got yourself a hero (of course, just being in an extremely hostile environment doesn't count if you lost the limbs as a result of a "friendly" incident - you should never hold anything against friends). Besides, if we could get all those medals that have been distributed, but weren't really deserved back into the inventory, we could melt them down and make our own weapons of mass destruction."

Evidently, being in harm's way just ain't what it used to be.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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