The Democratic nomination race took an unexpected turn today, as former first lady and borderline psychopath Hillary Clinton, licking the wounds from her Mississippi primary defeat, made a staggering - and very public - attack on her campaign rival Barack Obama, and more specifically his apparent reluctance to get involved in a physical altercation.
Addressing a press conference outside a Pennsylvania liquor store, clutching a can of super-strength lager and with that trademark psychotic look in her eyes, a clearly inebriated Senator Clinton slurred, "Look - Barack's been in the press a hell of a lot recently, harping on about my supposedly negative campaign strategies and playing the race card left, right and centre. Yes, it's a fact that I'm a middle class suburban white woman, but I'm still confident in saying that I could take his cheap ghetto ass to the pavement any day of the week. That's what the American people want. They don't care about statistics or exit polls or any of that shit. They want someone who they know won't shy away from a good old fashioned all American dust up. Barack's not that guy. He's a pussy. In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity right now to tell that little bitch that we can get in the ring and make this a real contest any f*cking time he likes. He can name the time and place. I'll even let him have the first few punches."
Further to this astonishing outburst, Senator Clinton then went on a lengthy diatribe regarding the alleged promiscuity of Obama's mother, and also made mention of her adversary's dress sense - specifically his "Gay shoes."
In closing, she said, "If you want a Democrat in the White House, you pretty much have to vote for me. Think about it - do you really think those loonies down south would tolerate having a black guy for their president? These are my people, and I'm telling you they won't. Jesus, they'd assassinate him the first chance they-"
At this point, the increasingly maniacal senator was hurriedly ushered away by bodyguards saying, "Leave it Hillary, he's not worth it."