This morning Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia and Wen Jiabao, the Premier of China, addressed hundreds of thousands of jubilant Mexicans from in front of the former Los Angeles City Hall building. They congratulated the people, on this, the independence day of their new nation, Aztlan, and announced that Russia and China will be the first countries to recognize it. The two heads of state are in Los Angeles, now the capital of Aztlan, to sign treaties to build military bases in Aztlan.
Pablo Gomez, the head of La Raza, the political party now in control of Aztlan issued a statement justifying his party's call for the secession of Aztlan from the United States. "For decades," wrote Mr. Gomez, "millions of Anglos have streamed out of Southern California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas leaving ethnic Mexicans a ninety percent majority. It is now time for us to control our destiny and free ourselves from the oppressive rule of the imperialist United States."
President Hilary Clinton, visiting Pristina, Kosovo to participate in the festivities celebrating the 4th anniversary of the independence of Kosovo from Serbia issued a terse statement that "America never did anything to deserve this assault on its sovereignity. The CIA has evidence that Russia and China have joined the vast global right wing conspiracy to embarrass my administration," she said.
Secretary of State, Bill Clinton, accompanying the President to Kosovo, was unavailable for comment from his hospital bed in Pristina after an emergency emasculation. While laying the cornerstone for the first McDonald's restaurant in Kosovo on the site of a former Serbian monastery, the Secretary had an unfortunate mishap stepping on an unexploded cluster bomb left over from NATO's 1999 bombing campaign of Serbia. State Department spokeswoman, Monica Lewinsky, rushing to Pristina to comfort the injured Mr. Clinton, issued a statement that the U.S. "will lodge a complaint demanding that those responsible for this cruel collateral damage to Mr. Clinton be sought out and punished."
When asked by reporters to comment on the new country, Aztlan, that just seceded, former President, George W. Bush, in exile on his ranch in Paraguay, smirked knowingly and said, "I always had the funny feeling that Atlanta would succeed."
Reporters were unable to reach former Arizona Senator and 2008 Presidential candidate John McCain, for comments. In 2009, Senator McCain's amnesty legislation for millions of illegal Mexican aliens was finally passed by Congress and signed into law by President Clinton. Authorities are still searching for Mr. McCain in the smoldering ruins of his mansion in Scottsdale after it was torched during the night by angry neighbors.
Meanwhile the CEO of Monsanto, Madeleine Albright, the former Secretary of State during the Bill Clinton Administration, held an urgent meeting with a representative of the majority shareholder in Monsanto, the People's Liberation Army of China. In response to shareholder accusations that Monsanto, the conglomerate that now owns all the arable land in the United States, has fallen behind in fulfilling its crop quotas for China, Ms. Albright issued a statement that she will request that President Clinton invoke the Homegrown Terrorist Act to free up additional farmland by declaring all remaining suburban subdivisions in the midwest to be terrorist enclaves. In a recent War Street Journal article, Ms Albright expressed her opinion that 500,000 confirmed deaths out of the millions of Americans already expelled from their homes to create more farmland for Monsanto is a small price to pay to serve the one indispensable nation on earth - China.