Washington - According to sources speaking to The Spoof on condition of anonymity, President Bush is totally freaked out.
"What with 9/11, the Iraqi's weapons of Mass Destruction that we never found, and his lack of sleep, the President is becoming more and more of a paranoid freak," sources said. "He thinks the world is out to get him, and fired several staff members this past week because he thought they were aliens."
According to reports from inside the White House, the President's cabinet is doing all they can to calm his nerves and get him through this difficult personal crisis, like jumping out from behind bushes wearing Osama Bin Laden masks and shouting "boogie boogie boogie!", staring at him for long periods of time, and saying things like, "OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT CRAWLING ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
Senior officials of the Secret Service have said that President Bush's paranoia is making the job of protecting him more difficult. "He gets all shifty-eyed and jumpy for no reason," sources said. The President is also reported to have jumped a Secret Service Agent, pinned him to the ground, and shouted "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, CASTRO!"
When asked for comment, the Vice President, Secretary of State and Secretary for Homeland Defense all snickered and said, "Oh, the President will be fine!" However, since they were winding up joy buzzers and inflating whoopee cushions while making this statement, the press is finding it hard to believe that the Cabinet has the President's best interests at heart.
President Bush is expected to run around hiding behind shrubs for most of the week, sources said.