Following yesterday's closed-door meeting with top Nazgûl advisors, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama, U.S. Senator and newly revealed Dark Lord of Middle Earth, issued this statement to reporters and followers assembled outside his upscale Manhattan-Mordor campaign branch office.
After posing for photographs alongside his picture-perfect Black American Family and flanked by ominous dark-suited Balrogs wearing sunglasses, Senator Obama addressed the deliriously happy throng.
"I do not now, and have never previously, contemplated absolute dominion over the Free Peoples of Middle Earth," Obama stated emphatically to insanely cheering supporters.
"And while I admit to forging the One Ring in a long-ago youthful prank and foolish bid for supremacy, I can emphatically state that I, Barak Hussein Obama, no longer represent Dark Forces of Evil."
"In fact," Obama said in closing, "I destroyed the Ring of Power years ago with the help of Donald Trump, a good friend, Nazgûl and longtime Mordor associate."
Despite the far-reaching implications of this admission, Dark Lord campaign watchers remain dubious.
"Well that's just ridiculous," insists Raznak, a high-ranking Orc recently rotated from active duty at Barad-dûr, "everyone knows the One Ring is pretty much indestructible. I mean you'd have to, oh I dunno, throw that sucker into the fiery Crack of Doom to melt it down!"
Raznak shook his head in disbelief. "And who'd do that, I ask you?"
According to insider sources, no one would do that, particularly not the Dark Lord himself.
"I know for a fact he wouldn't do it," insisted Bilbo Baggins when contacted at his posh Rivendell retirement penthouse. "Hell, I had that thing for years and I oughtta know."
Mr. Baggins paused before adding, "Hey, you don't have It on you, do you? I mean, if you do, uh, I'd kind of like to…you know."
Dr. Tiffany Jones offered this explanation, "Clearly the One Ring is capable of exerting a far-reaching evil influence on all who have encountered it, even nice old Hobbits with Democratic voting records. Whether Senator Obama has reclaimed his prize may in question, but the mere fact that he created it at all should give pause to even his most enthusiastic campaign supporters."
Judging by the frenetic public frenzy whenever Barack Obama speaks, that may be wishful thinking.
Tragic Rabbit, USA Tomorrow