Senator and Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama has privately confirmed his involvement in a sinister plot to overthrow international Forces of Good with the world's most Evil creation: the One Ring of Power.
According to Middle Earth Studies professor Dr. Tiffany Jones, the 'One Ring' is a seemingly ordinary golden band that magically renders its wearer all-seeing, irresistible and omnipotent. These abilities would certainly go a long way toward explaining Senator Obama's dazzling, meteoric rise to prominence--but only if the One Ring has indeed returned to his finger.
While Barack 'Sauron' Obama does admit prior culpability in the creation of the nefarious 'One Ring To Rule Them All', he denies having current knowledge of its whereabouts.
Despite this public demurral, persistent rumors of his tireless search for the One Ring lead many observers to conclude the Democratic presidential hopeful may already have reclaimed his 18K evil creation. Events of recent months would seem to bolster that theory, going far to explain Barack Obama's miraculous rise to international political prominence, as well as the slavish devotion of his fiendish minions.
Conspiracy theorists and Beltway pundits have previously connected the Ring of Power to such varied wearers as Bilbo Baggins, Henry Kissinger, 'Brother Number One' madman Pol Pot, dead former U.S. President Ronald Reagan, and billionaire author J.K. Rowling.
Bill Gates is also said to have once possessed the Ring of Power but is thought to have subsequently lost it in an online poker game.
High Elves and Men of Númenor have been seeking the diabolical ring for some time.
The New York Times reports that Dark Lord Obama is meeting today with his top aides: the nine Ring-wraiths variously known as 'Black Riders', 'Nazgûl', or simply 'The Nine'.
An official media announcement is scheduled later today at the senator's weekend penthouse in a Manhattan neighborhood lately referred to by locals as 'Mordor'.
Lord of Barad-dûr campaign officials refuse to comment, to stop kicking puppies, or even to bathe.
Tragic Rabbit, USA Tomorrow