(New York, NY) April 28, 2004 - Kermit the Frog, former superstar of the puppet world and host of "The Muppet Show," was found dead Tuesday morning in his apartment on Sesame Street.
After complaints from fellow tenants of a strange odor emitting from his apartment, authorities found Kermit in his bathtub surrounded by various illegal narcotics. In Kermit's hand was discovered a .44 magnum pistol. Coupled with the bullet wound to his left temple, the forensics unit ruled it out as an appalling suicide.
Gonzo, Kermit's former best friend, isn't surprised at the tragedy.
"When Piggy took the kids away from him two years ago, it took Kermit only a month to get hooked on that (heroin). While he was on the stuff, he was in constant denial of the life that he made for himself. He didn't want to be "that frog from Sesame Street" anymore. He wanted to be a Caribbean amphibian, but it was just all just screwed up. We tried interventions and rehab. Rehab worked for a while, but Kermit just couldn't be turned. After a while, all his friends gave up on him which was probably the final nail in the coffin. I'll miss him, but he's in a better place now. He was a good frog."
Apparently, Kermit's former wife, Miss Piggy, left him for Gonzo. When we asked Gonzo why she left Kermit for him, he had nothing to say, but pointed to his long nose and gave us a smarmy grin.
Bert and Ernie, two lovers who share the same room, were right next door the night Kermit took his life. They claim they didn't hear the gunshot due to their being focused on their loud techno music, which drowned out the shot, while having constant ravenous sex.
Cookie Monster, the neighborhood's crack addict, told us, "Me love cookies."
Kermit the Frog is survived by his former wife, Piggy, and seven frigs*.
*Editor's note: Frigs are the hybrid offspring as the result of a frog and a pig procreating.