OSCEOLA, Iowa -- There was an electricity in there air Friday night on WWE Smackdown like the wrestling world has never seen before. Three presidential contenders battled it out in a no-holds-barred three-way cage match for the World Heavyweight title.
The special-guest commentators for the event were Chris Matthews of MSNBC, Neil Cavuto of Fox News, Wolf Blitzer of CNN, and Alec Baldwin.
Before the match began each candidate gave a brief statement. McCain was quoted as saying, "I don't care if it takes 100 years, I will stay in this ring and stay the course to win at any cost."
Huckabee responded with, "I don't pretend to know something when I don't, but I know when I'm through with you, you'll be begging for the Rapture."
Ron Paul responded by entering the arena with The Rock, who had endorsed Paul prior to Friday evening, and holding a copy of the Constitution over his head to roaring applause.
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon introduced the candidates and the fight began.
Immediately, Paul and Huckabee double teamed front-runner McCain with a tag-team power bomb and pile driver. McCain responded with a double-running clothesline taking them both down.
McCain's attention then went to Paul, where he pulled out a bed sheet and a 10 gallon Gatorade cooler, and proceeded to waterboard Paul. As McCain was finishing, Huckabee grabbed him and slammed his face into the cage. As McCain struggled to stand up, Huckabee landed a Chuck Norris-trained Roundhouse kick to McCain's jugular.
With both republicans incapacitated Huckabee began the climb out of the cage. Suddenly, Paul pulled off the wet sheet he'd been waterboarded with and pulled Huck off of the cage and choke-slammed him. Huckabee tried to "phonebook" Paul with a Bible during this, but Paul avoided it.
With McCain still down and Huckabee knocked out, Paul started for the cage, but then turned around. To cheers, Paul pulled a black armband out from underneath his suit, and threw it out of the cage. He then proceeded to do a People's Elbow (The Rock's signature move)on both candidates.
Paul then climbed and exited the cage, winning the match and the World Heavyweight Championship.
Chris Matthews was quoted as saying, "This doesn't really prove much in the world of politics, but in the wrestling world, there is no doubt that Paul is king."
Later, Paul issued a statement that read, "I just went out there and gave it my all. I didn't fight with dirty tactics or religious pandering, I held onto my beliefs, and I beat those motherfuckers."