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Wednesday, 28 April 2004

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry today announced his selection of U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan as his running mate. Annan, 66, has occupied the U.N. post since June of 2001.

Following the announcement, polls taken in Berkeley, California and Brookline, Massachusetts showed Kerry moving substantially ahead of the incumbent, George W. Bush. On Columbus Avenue on Manhattan's Upper West Side, Kerry now polls 35 points ahead of Bush, at least among fiftyish, bearded social workers eating alfalfa sandwiches while wearing ridiculous sandals.

The Kerry-Kofi ticket also drew huge poll numbers in Accra, the capital city of Ghana, Annan's native country. Ghanians do not yet have the right to vote in U.S. elections, a circumstance Kerry dismissed as "a mere technicality, brought up by Republicans who did not serve in a certain undeclared war in Indochine." Kerry likewise dismissed possible Constitutional objections to Annan's selection as "the desperate nitpicking of a cabal of neocons who, unlike me, did not spend time in uniform in a certain country to the east of Laos and Cambodia."

Kerry said that his selection of Annan as running mate will "show to the community of nations that some Americans look beyond their own borders... to places like Vietnam, where it just so happened I served in the military."

"We don't need a president who says 'start your engines'", Kerry woodenly intoned. "We need a president who has seen shots fired in anger in Southeast Asia, and who says let's give countries like the Sudan and Mauritania permanent seats on the UN Security Council on the theory that if we're nice to them, maybe they'll outlaw slavery."

Annan, who like Walter Mondale attended Macalester College in Minnesota. is expected to lock up that famously unpredictable state for Kerry in November's elections.

"I love the U.S. and its history," Annan said, "especially the history of its involvement in a conflict in which it became involved following the fall of Dienbienphu to the French. I genuinely look forward to asking Mr. Kerry if he himself ever had any personal involvement in armed hostilities in that part of the world."

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