Faced with the near-certain prospect of a presidency ruled by either Allah, menstrual cycles, or a hatred of youth, the Main Stream Media today apologized for its concerted efforts to destroy Ron Paul's candidacy saying 'in retrospect he's probably the only guy able to save our worthless asses', and asked for a 'do-over', promising to report truthfully, and give the Texas Congressman's ideas fair coverage this time.
'Seriously' said the NY Times, 'I never really thought about it, I just did what I was told, like I always do. It wasn't until the other day, while buying a quart of milk that it occured to me how totally fucked we all are'.
"We were pretty obnoxious alright." added Fox News, "I only listened for things I could twist and ridicule. The worst thing was that I thought I could hijack the democratic process, and create opinion instead of just reporting on it. It turns out that I could...well along with my buddies here. I was full of myself for banning him from the debate. But you know what? Last night I was hugging my daughters, when it suddenly hit me what a piece of shit I am."
"When Ron Paul pointed out that compared to gold the price of oil was flat, I finally understood that the falling dollar, and inflation were just two more ways for the government to stick its hand in my pocket." offered the Washington Post, with a hangdog expression. "I feel terrible that I ever helped the bastards."
The MSM went on to promise to be models of responsible behavior in the future, hoping in some way to partially make up for the damage it has done. When asked if all its staffers were on board with this apparent about-face, Fox News commented "You just leave them to me, I can still tell them what to think. Bill O'Reilly is a punk."