Columbus, Ohio -- Presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, whilst canvassing the state of Texas this week, dropped a brand new television add bolstering her "lifetime of experience" in answering telephones at 3:00am.
"I cannot tell you how many times I've had to answer that phone in the middle of the night," Mrs. Clinton insisted at a recent press conference. "I assure you, no one in this race has more experience than I do."
Mrs. Clinton was not specific as to the nature of those many late night phone calls; however, former President Bill Clinton, whilst canvassing in Ohio, confirmed his wife's claims. "Oh yes, I cannot tell you how many times I've had to call that woman at all hours of the night," the former President explained. "I cannot remember the details, of course, but most of the time it was because I was stranded at some sleazy motel in a dangerous part of town somewhere. And let me tell you, she ain't lyin' either -- it was always in the middle of the night too."
Although the former President's candor was somewhat surprising, Mr. Clinton also credited Mrs. Clinton's vast experience with answering the phone late at night with even saving his life. "Well, I had been sleepwalking one very cold and snowy evening. By the time I awoke, I found myself 69 miles away from home, naked, and standing next to a phone booth. I thank God to this day that I was carrying a dime with me, because, if I hadn't had that dime, I'd have probably frozen plum to death."
Continuing, Mr. Clinton further explained, "Anyway, so I put that dime in the slot there and dialed her up. I was shiverin' so bad that it took awhile to get the number dialed correctly, but when I got it dialed, Hillary picked up the phone on the second ring. The second ring! And I remember that it was 3:26am too! So, I assure you, I know from experience that Hillary is the best person for the job. Never even once did she ever allow the phone to go unanswered -- no matter what time it was, day or night."
Asked if these accounts were true, Mrs. Clinton simply stated, "Look, I will let my record of experience stand on its own merits". However, insiders have suggested that the recent tales as recounted by former President Bill Clinton represents merely the "tip of the iceberg."
"From Arkansas to Impeachment, there's really no telling how many phones those two went through," one source close to the Clintons mused before adding, "Hell, I know of three phones that were destroyed in the White House alone. One of 'em was thrown out of a second floor window, while another was smashed with a baseball bat given to the Clinton's by an owner of a Major League baseball team."
The source added that he wasn't sure how the Clinton's ever got any sleep as "that phone rang constantly -- day and night -- and most of it was in relation to bad news and the need for immediate damage control."
In regards to the alleged third destroyed phone, the source stated that it was destroyed when "it landed across the former President's head in the Oval Office". "The phone became airborne," another source explained, "upon news of that now-infamous blue dress."
Yet, an anonymous Obama supporter suggested that Mrs. Clinton's boasts of a "lifetime of experience" are, perhaps, a bit misleading. "Clearly, Hillary Clinton's relationship with the telephone has provided her with an experience of a lifetime, that I don't think is in any doubt. The question is, are the American people prepared for four more years of telephone replacements for the White House? I don't think so."