Written by Robert W. Armijo
Print this

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

image for New Feng Shui redesigned slaughterhouse touted as more humane
U.S. bovine to be "Fenf Shuied" to death?

Chino, California - With the not so subtle application of a sledgehammer between brown eyes just before lights out, the memory of a free forklift ride to the killing room floor still lingering in the synapses, the newly rediscovered humane commute on their own power through the newly redesigned Feng Shui style slaughterhouse doors of death is now the "In Thing."

It is the latest for introducing bovine into the food chain in meat product and meat byproduct form on a continued sustainable industrial level to meet consumer demand, and it is all the new rage among the livestock too, claims the beef industry.

"It was both my professional and personal goal to make certain the cattle enjoy their last moments of life on earth," said Harry Wang, Feng Shui designer and consultant on the newly designed slaughterhouse. "So I incorporated the best of both the post modern functionality of an early 20th Century slaughterhouse design, which is based on killing as many cattle in as short a period as one can together with the altruistic ancient Chinese Feng Shui design philosophy. After all both have fundamental principles that are universally appealing."

"You can literally taste the difference," said Wolfgang Franz, culinary artist and head executive chef of the Roadhouse Barbeque Pit and family restaurant chain primarily located in the in the Midwest. "It's like the animal knew it was going to be slaughtered to satisfy and sustain a self-elected dietary preferences of a selfish animal higher up on the food chain, and it was alright with that."

"Feng Shui has that claming effect, if you open yourself up to the experience," said Wang.

Wang also claims that the Japanese, another Eastern culture deeply rooted in custom and ancient tradition, have been using a similar method to that of the Chinese Feng Shui design philosophy, drawing similar results.

"We use beer," said Aki Mitzi, Japanese rancher of the much-touted gourmet high quality Kobe beef from Tajima-ushi breed of Wagyu cattle, raised according to strict tradition in Hyogo Prefecture. "We use a lot of beer to get them blind drunk off their asses, then we tenderize them while they are still living with many hand massages. So they are very happy, then we kill them."

"Cattle are now once again being slaughtered in a politically correct manner," said a spokesman for United States Department of Agriculture (USDA). "And, more importantly, fully complies with all global trade treaties on meat product and meat byproducts."

The new Feng Shui slaughterhouse design clearly elevates the conscious of conveyors of carnivore culinary delights and the style conscious minded too, acclaimed Modern American Architecture Magazine.

"The cattle being lead to their demise in an enhanced culturally sensitive way," continued the architecture article. "Which even makes them aware of their environment, filling their last conscious thoughts with the appreciation behind the effort Harry Wang put into guiding them through their final journey through the meat grinder."

"From the all natural bamboo fly screens, bubbling water fountains with simulated fog positioned just beyond drinking reach symbolizing the insatiable lust for life as one realizes one is about to lose it, right down to the draped potted plaints functionally placed alongside the hanging hooks to absorb the blood, reflecting both form and function. Harry Wang is an 'udder' genius," concluded the article.

Make Robert W. Armijo's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 3 multiplied by 3?

8 5 9 17
41 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more