Las Vegas Metro Police were diverted from their nightly undercover Dunkin' Donuts surveillance operations very late on Thursday evening and dispatched to the Bum's Rush Motel in Las Vegas, Nevada to retrieve a plastic package containing a white powder from the motel manager that was thought to be a chemical or controlled substance, officer B. Gumby said.
"This event is not terrorism related," FBI spokesman Robert Culp confirmed in Las Vegas early on Friday morning. "We have just received a call from celebrity professional party maven Paris Hilton moments ago telling us that she had accidentally dropped the white powder in the hotel room after servicing some IRS agents. She indicated the substance was merely Crystal Light."
Based on Hilton's confession, Culp has declined to further test the white powdery substance with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "With 40,000 people in Sin City already potentially infected yesterday by AIDS and hepatitis viruses because hospital doctors and nurses reused patient syringes, we thought it best to allocate our resources to where they could best help fend off growing Sin City deaths," adding, "We've also just reached out to Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff on the matter and he is downgrading the threat level to green as we speak."
"Yeah, it was me- all me," said a sobbing Hilton, clutching her tattered Bible, when talking to reporters immediately following her announcement.
"You see I was just trying to do my civic clubbing responsibility- my job. I love going to PURE nightclub in Las Vegas and the thought of it being potentially shut down for money laundering was repulsive. I mean...uh, what would I do with myself every evening? And without my buds Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears not being around, I thought the least I could do is occupy my time by servicing a handful of IRS agents last evening. You know: I drop 'theirs' and they drop their PURE investigation. Besides, everybody has been in my thingy and done the nasty anyway."
"The Crystal Light was just used as a legal upper to keep me up until I went to Denny's the next morning," said a remorseful Hilton. "I don't do drugs.""
Hilton was quick to point out that the real powder and gas culprit to watch out for was Iraqi Ali Hassan al-Majid, known as "Chemical Ali," but added that he is not a threat since he will soon be having a date with the hangman's noose.