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Topics: Driving

Thursday, 28 February 2008

image for Government Offers Free Dumpster Diving Classes
One man's trash is another man's treasure

Washington (IPP) - The Department of the Secretary of the Interior (DSI) is offering the American people free classes in dumpster diving. The classes are going to be held in tents set up in strip mall parking lots across the country.

Dexter Dempsey is the head of the DSI. He recently sent out a news release wherein he tells the American people that the government recognizes that these are difficult economic times and that the government is here to help.

Reporters were given copies of the booklet that is being used to teach dumpster diving techniques.

The book starts off with safety tips on how to go about the art of dumster diving without getting hurt. The first rule is that dumster divers should always wear gloves and safety goggles in order to minimize the danger of getting stuck with hypodermic needles or getting an eye poked out. They should also be ready to leap out of the dumpster when they hear the sound of a garbage truck.

The book then offers tips on the best types of dumpsters that the public can utilze in their quest for free food, clothing, and bedding materials. The book recommends looking for food behind Dollar Stores. Most of the Dollar Stores dumpsters are relatively clean and are full of mostly cardboard and bubble wrap that can be used for bedding material and for overnight shelters.

The Dollar Stores often throw entire cases of bottled food into the dumpster if as few as one or two bottles are broken. Dumpster divers can often find over 20 bottles of olives or other foods since a case contains 24 bottles. Stale crackers and bread can also be found in edible condition.

John McCain told the country that he endorses the dumpster diving techniques and promises that if he is elected he will expand the dumpster diving plan and will include hospital dumpster diving instructions so as to be able to help Americans in need of medication, bandages, and other medical goods.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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