Amid concerns of rising inflation in the oil-rich Middle East and the resulting strikes and demonstrations over the rise in food costs, President George W. Bush has decided to invade Iraq again, but this time with a new, feel-good army and a plan that has yet to be totally fleshed out.
The United States already has its traditional armed forces fighting in Iraq, as well as Halliburton's security force and crazy mercenaries on the loose, but as inflation unrest spreads across the region, the president sees it as the perfect opportunity to spread peace with "blood-thirsty Christian charity."
The new, soon-to-be-organized force will start out by quelling the disturbances in Iraq with kind words and pay-it-forward good deeds, "even though there is virtual calm already in place," Bush said. He said using guns will be the new army's last resort.
The president's top advisors suggested that the US pull its current forces out of Iraq to get some "good ink" worldwide, hold the troops in a secret hiding place for a couple of days, then re-invade. Bush shot down the idea, calling it "stupid" and a "waste of taxpayer dollars."
Bush said the current occupation force has its job to do while the new army will use softer tactics to appease liberals, even though the US has "made so many friends in Iraq already."
"Our troops really like it there," Bush said. "Re-enlistments have never been higher. In fact, some don't want to come home to loved ones. Instead, most are trying to move their families to the Middle East with hopes of retiring there.
"For a country that's been leveled and now experiencing Democracy for the first time, Iraq really has a lot of affordable housing. Just this morning I saw an ad for a charred bungalow that's within walking distance to bombed-out schools, hospitals, churches and shopping malls. That baby's gonna sell fast."
Bush said establishing a new military force will be the easy part. Naming it, though, will be tough.
"I want it to sound really cool," the commander-in-chief said. "Like Tomb Raiders, the Rambo Division, or the Go Ahead and Make My Day Corps."
Bush indicated that women will be encouraged to volunteer for Fox Force Five, borrowing the name of the female fighting unit referred to in the movie Pulp Fiction. He also noted that any new force will offer lax training procedures -- similar to those in Bill Murray's military spoof Stripes -- to appeal to a new generation of chronic whiners.
"But we need to get this project moving because we don't want to invade a country when the unrest is already over," Bush said. "That would lead to a lot of standing around and poking fun at the odd culture and peoples of a foreign land. The next thing you know, you're arresting people who claim to be innocent."
Bush said that while the new army's name will sound macho, its mission will be as "peace monger" and intends for its soldiers to use only "friendly fire" if required to shoot guns.
"As it's used now, the term 'friendly fire' has such a bad connotation," said Bush, referring to the act of soldiers killing their own people by accident. "We want to turn that frown upside-down."
Also, body counts will not be reported to reduce busywork and save on paper.
"We want to nip this unrest in the bud," Bush said. "If a soldier in the new army has to shoot someone, we want him to do it with a smile."