Written by bartlebysnopes
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Topics: American Idol

Friday, 22 February 2008

image for The Results Are In: American Idol Sucks

Now that American Idol has whittled itself down to just 20 contestants, the experts are finally voicing their opinions.

"The show sucks, the host sucks, the judges suck, the contestants suck," a music critic from Rolling Stone told reporters on Friday morning.

In a survey of 200 respected music critics around the country, 78% said that the contestants are the suckiest element of the show.

"This year sucks. And last year sucked. And next year will suck," another critic said.

In a candid interview, Paula Abdul told reporters, "Yes it sucks. But it has sucked for a few years now. We are just trying to milk it for all it's worth."

On last night's results show, an even suckier element was added: a new video featuring Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul performing a song that sucks.

Even Jackson agreed that the video and song sucked. "Dog, that shit sucked. It sucked ass. But it sucked so much ass that it was hot."

Simon Cowell told reporters that "the show has always sucked. In fact, American music sucks in general. I don't know why I do this crap. I will tell you that I don't drink Coke out of that cup during the show. That helps a lot."

The survey of music critics indicated that no matter which contestant wins, they have already given that contestant's new album a sucky review.

It seems that the only people who haven't realized the show sucks are the 24 million dumbasses that voted the other night. Them and Ryan Seacrest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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