The inoperable antique Russian spy satellite Sputnik I, orbiting 150 miles above Earth, was struck Wednesday by a missile fired from a Navy cruiser, announced U.S. military representatives.
During a hastily convened press conference, Pentagon spokesmen informed reporters that their window of mystical opportunity to strike at the 183-pound outdated spy satellite had finally opened Tuesday morning with the astonishing star alignments accompanying the resignation of Fidel Castro, 210-year-old Communist dictator of Cuba, and was due to close with a total lunar eclipse the following night.
Fast action was essential.
"We got lucky, "said Major General Tiffany Jones, "we wanted to hit the bastard just right and, after 51 years of watching the skies, the astrological signs finally favored deployment of Free World nuclear missiles against the Commies."
Pentagon in-house meteorologist Doug Spanky assured reporters that the Pentagon's long delay in responding to the shocking 1957 launch of Sputnik I by the U.S.S.R. was entirely understandable, as was the $600-billion cost of monitoring the skies a half-century for favorable star signs. "Those decades of tax dollars were well spent," he told reporters.
When asked whether falling debris posed any danger, Major General Jones insisted there was no danger, and that the true danger, Communist acquisition of American military secrets, had in fact been narrowly averted by the Navy's quick action.
Several CNN reporters then asked the Pentagon spokesmen whether they understood that the Soviet Union had actually been dissolved in 1991, but their answer was lost in the confused scuffle of dark-suited men that followed, after which no CNN reporters or cameramen were in evidence.
After inquiring regarding the whereabouts of their fellow journalists, numerous reporters were detained and each asked to sign a HUAC affidavit stating that they were not now, and had never been, members of the Communist Party.
HUAC spokesman John E. Rankin could not be reached for comment.
Tragic Rabbit, USA Tomorrow, Washington