Dallas, Texas - (Texas School Book Suppository Mess): Grassy Noel, the Italian mafioso credited with complicity in the JFK assassination by Lee Harvey Oswald, has slammed newly released documents claiming to be transcripts of Oswald and Ruby planning the November 1963 hit as a coverup hogwash planted by the current Bush Administration.
"That document stuff is pure disinformation," Noel said today.
"I saw the pinned-out Bush Junior with that crap Vatican-issue rifle up in the sixth floor of the building," Noel continued, "maybe just an hour before the actual assassination.
"He'd taken so much heroin in that last year and was suffering badly from the medical condition known as peristalsis.
"Hell, it was so bad the other Cuban KGB guys used to call him Agent Perry Stalsis. Kinda joke.
"You know peristalsis, that's a kind of constipation that seizes up the rectum - even if it sees plenty of other action unconnected to the natural functions.
"It gets so backed up from the skag that toxins begin seeping back into the body.
"Anyway, Bush Jr was pinned out and shaking badly that day, so much so that he couldn't keep the goddam weapon steady.
"I says to him, 'Hey, asshole! Why don'tcha take a shit and get it over and done with?'
"He snarled at me and muttered something about running out of laxatives.
"So I said to him, 'OK Asshole, just stuff some torn up math and geography pages from this here Texas School Book Suppoository? Should act like a laxative within five, maybe ten minutes.'
"I then wandered off to take a look at the motorcade.
"Wasn't 'til much later when Ruby had already taken out Oswald for the JFK rap that I had occasion to return to that sixth floor of the building where I'd had that brief encounter with G W Bush.
"I can attest that shredded school book paper trick worked a treat.
"No wonder they called it the Texas School Book Suppository Mess."