Podunk, VA -- Mr. Theodore Velvurgher, a writer of satirical spoof articles, composed an entire article without once showcasing his liberal college education, sources close to the author have said.
Velvurgher, 39, who attended Emerson University, is identified as having written a humorous article totally devoid of esoteric references to obscure left wing thinkers and authors such as Rilke, Lukacs, Joyce, and Foucault.
"I don't know what got into me," said Velvurghen as the International Liberal Conspiracy Union took away his right to write. "I just hit on a vein of humor that wasn't a thinly veiled ego display where I could show off how many deconstructionist philosophy courses I took in college." Velvurghen states that his sole intention in writing the article was to make people laugh, not getting laid at next week's poetry reading at Starbuck's.
Velvurghen then got into his Hummer, parked outside his house in the suburbs hundreds of miles away from any kind of terrain where that kind of vehicle might actually be required, and drove around the city of Podunk, apologizing to every environmentalist, feminist, and self-satisfied left-wing whiner he could find.
He then choked to death on a piece of tofu-flavored tofu. Services will be held next Earth Day. G. Gordon Liddy will deliver the eulogy and laugh . . . a lot.