Washington DC - (Ballistic Mess): Pentagon top brass are ready to blast into smithereens a rogue military satellite that has lost control and is threatening to smash into New York's Empire State Building.
American technicians aboard the International Space Station are co-ordinating long-range missile deployment from covert strategic installations positioned on the dark side of the moon.
Reports state that all the Russian and other non-US personnel aboard the ISS had to be taken hostage before the operation could proceed.
President George W Bush said today:
"I will go down in hystery.
"The first world leader using the Star Wars shield as a weapon of peace.
"Anybody says my satellite-blaster is pointing directly at the Beijing Olympiad is a rogue Pentagon employee.
"All movie rights reserved."
Lisa Nowak is paralytic.