Branson, Missouri - Dolly Parton's is to undergo emergency breast and nipple reduction surgery to relieve a chronic backache. It is the sixth time she has been under the knife for recurring medical condition that she has had since the 5th grade. News spread rather quickly in the streets of Stockholm and London as ticket holders of her European tour canceled their reservations and demanded their money back.
Fans of the buxom blonde beauty were outraged at the news that she planned to go ahead with the surgery before they had a chance to see her perform live on stage in her full glory.
"Look here. We all paid in advance to see Dolly Parton's boobs as they appear right here in this concert promotion brochure, and we want to see them untouched and unaltered by a surgeon's hands. Or London burns," said an unhappy and most likely intoxicated bloke.
Meanwhile, other Londoners at the House of Lords believe that the surgery has nothing to do with Dolly Parton's well document medical condition but instead more with the behind the scenes international geo-political maneuvering that has been going on recently.
In short, it is suspected that Dolly Parton's breast and nipple reduction has less to do with her backache and more to do with the exchange rate of the Euro to the Dollar.
"It's discrimination against Londoners. That's what that is," said a spokesman for the House of Lords. "All those Americans are just jealous of the relative strength and long-term soundness of the Euro compared to rapid declining value and growing instability of the American dollar in a post European Common Market world. Everybody knows that."
"Right. If they [Yanks] think that they shortchange me by showing me less of Dolly Parton's boobs they got another thing coming to them," said an ex-football rabble-rouser, turned Dolly Parton fan. "My lads and I have a good mind to stir up something with old Jerry [the Germans] again. Or worst yet. Send over some more dry British dramas from the BBC, Victorian era romantic plays or, if you really make us mad, some more reality TV. So send her [Dolly Parton] over the pond uncut or we'll cut you, the whole lot of you, got it!"
The special UN peace delegate to Kenya has been recalled to negotiate a settlement between the Americans and the English before things get out of hand.