President George W. Bush announced Friday that Saturday will be removed from all US calendars. The move came as part of a last minute deal with congressional Democrats on the stimulus package to boost the economy.
"Saturday is the weakest day on the calendar," said Bush, "opening the door to terrorists and criminals while hurting productivity." The President's Council of Economic Advisers reported that the change will boost GDP by approximately 4% over the next 10 years. The printing industry alone expects a huge boost due to demand for new calendars. There will also be ripple effects in the computer and software industry along the lines of the Y2K phenomenon. Most employers expect to see higher output with the greater proportion of the week now being work days.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi joined President Bush in support of the plan, noting that crime rates tend to be higher on Saturdays, and that the day creates all sorts of problems in her home district of San Francisco: "The queers just run wild on Saturdays. They're bad enough the rest of the week."
The diminishing flock of presidential candidates was quick to weigh in. Republican John McCain, who is now the de facto nominee, said that Saturdays are notorious for being big days for illegal aliens to sneak into the country and that he does not support amnesty for them, especially not on Saturdays. Senator Joe Lieberman, a McCain supporter and Orthodox Jew, expressed some concern about the religious implications for Jews, but said he would confer with the rabbinate.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both claimed ending Saturdays was their idea. Clinton noted that her vote for the bill was recorded 43 seconds before Obama's. Obama claimed that he wrote a paper on the idea in law school, but was unable to produce a copy by press time.
Mike Huckabee, who hasn't dropped out of the race yet, said he was okay with Saturday but opposed the part of the White House's original proposal that would have cut Sunday in half. Ron Paul was the only candidate who opposed the measure. He muttered something about the Constitution.
The calendar change is slated to take effect in July of this year, but may be deferred up to 6 months by President Bush if problems arise.