The United States House of Representatives has put aside issues dealing with the Iraq war, the failing U.S. economy, recession, falling real estate prices, global warming, excessive government spending and international unrest to focus on Roger Clemens possible steroid and human growth hormone abuse.
"This is the most pressing issue in the United States today", said Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform.
"Personally, I think he's guilty as hell" said Tom Davis, ranking minority member of the House. "He became a better ball player as he got older and won more Cy Young awards after age 35 than he did when he was in his 20's! That just ain't natural!"
Clemens has repeatedly denied using performance enhancing substances and insists he was only injected with lidocaine (for pain relief) and vitamin B-12. Meanwhile, his former trainer Brian McNamee gave a sworn deposition on Capitol Hill that he repeatedly injected Clemens with 32 different types of steroids, human growth hormone and heroin between 1988 and 1991. McNamee claims he has kept the used syringes under his bed for the past 20 years.
"We don't care about the heroin. That doesn't improve performance", said congressman Elijah Cummins. "We all know he's taking stuff to make himself a better player! Every ballplayer does!"
Every other ballplayer was unavailable for comment.