Written by Kid Savage
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Topics: Mitt Romney

Thursday, 7 February 2008

image for Romney quits race, still wants war
"Maybe I'll just play ice hockey"

Mitt Romney dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination on Thursday, saying he was the only true War Candidate, and that others are just giving lip service in backing the conflict in Iraq.

John McCain, who has taken a commanding lead in the early Republican primaries, has vowed to keep fighting the unwinnable and unpopular war in the Middle East, but isn't as hawkish as the hardcore Romney, who promised the private sector more profits if elected.

"I believe in the old adage that war is good business," said Romney, whose first name doesn't make sense, but suggests affluence all the same.

Romney was extremely troubled by the Democratic field of presidential candidates seeking their party's nomination.

"They want to pull out of Iraq," Romney said. "Do you believe that shit?

"In my heart, I know America is up for this fight. These public opinion polls that suggest the good ol' USA is soft on war are all lies. America is John Wayne, and John Wayne wants to kick some serious religious-sect butt and grab that cheap oil. It's who we are."

Romney said his father used to tuck him in at night with the comforting words of the heroic, man's man, right-wing actor -- Better dead than Red. Romney said that he understood the quote to mean it's better to be dead than in the red, i.e., lose money.

"What's unfortunate is that Halliburton is having trouble meeting its profit margin of six million percent, so we need to ramp up the war effort," said Romney, who spends his free time moving army battalions around a Middle East map in his den. "Don't kid yourself, Americans want war and I'm the one candidate that would've given it to them.

"In fact, France and Sweden better watch their P's and Q's if they know what's good for them. If elected in 2012, I'm going to give them an invasion that America can be proud of."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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