M'ass-a-hurts, Massachusetts (LDS Church Gazette) - Following news of big wins in North Dakota and other states that "really don't matter", GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney went ballistic in front of microphones during a press conference near Boston late Tuesday.
Mitt's unorthodox strategy (an act of political suicide apparently ripped straight from the playbook of current Democratic National Committee chairman, Howard Dean) virtually seals his fate as the embodiment of the word "spendthrift".
Despite great personal wealth and resting on laurels that include 'Harvard MBA' and 'Former CEO of the 2002 Winter Olympics', the 60-year-old Romney has baffled even the most generous oddsmakers by forging ahead in an underwhelming campaign for the heart and soul of America.
Romney's rant was vetted through his personal speechwriters -- a ragtag focus group of religious conservatives wearing gorilla costumes -- prior to the event. But the speech failed to mention that, while he espouses a policy of continued robust military intervention in Iraq, none of his five sons (aged 26 to 37) ever intends to serve in the US military.
Oblivious to the dark clouds forming over his head, Romney added: "And we're going to take American Samoa! And Guam! And Puerto Rico! Aarrgghh!"