Written by Natowsky
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Monday, 4 February 2008

Stop everything! We may soon have one front runner, Barack Obama, and no Hillary Clinton, even though the two have been running neck and neck in the past few weeks.

Disaster may be sitting at the Committee's doorstep. Yesterday, in Washington, a legal secretary, Clarice Felice Matisse was discarding some old files in a box marked "DISCARD-NON SECURITY" gathering dust in a little-used storage room in the White House from the Bill Clinton era. Doing a cursory check of the contents, Matisse discovered an obvious group of e-mail correspondence that had been stapled together. The eight e-mail letters were from Hillary Clinton to Monica Lewinsky and express Hillary's deep anger, bordering on hatred, regarding her husband's dalliances with the 'sweet, but chunky Lolita.'

Several e-mails warned that Ms. Lewinsky had better keep her "sucking face hole away from my husband's manhood." Continuing, Ms. Clinton often referred to Ms. Lewinsky as a "whoring slut, who couldn't wait to 'tweak' The President and abuse what's mine!"

After reading each of the eight e-mails, Matisse then feverishly looked through at least a thousand more pieces of paper in the box, but could find nothing more from the former First Lady. But, Matisse did find one more related item, a single e-mail reply from Ms. Lewisky stating that, "if Slick Willie needs some loving, he calls me, his 'Hot Girl,' because his First Lady should act more like a whore in bed."

Other Clinton comments were unusually revealing. Ms. Clinton continued at one point by saying that "I alone run the White House and that I am usually very tired at bedtime. Even if Bill is randy, as always, and had an 'Arkansas Hog's Leg' a poppin,' she couldn't make love. I'm too freaking damned exhausted, because this country is too damned important and Billie Boy would just smile, probably because he was getting some tail elsewhere. Ms. Lewinsky, I personally know he was getting your fat one!"

Ms. Clinton revealed that at one point she had threatened to have "all the zippers in Mr. Clinton's pants sewn shut to keep his brain securely locked up." Yet, she goes on in a somewhat benevolent tone in one letter and writes, "Monica, Bill found out about 'The Zipper Plot' and raised such a Little Rock tornado that caused Chelsea to nearly break down, so I scrapped the plan, but I warn you that I will mouth Bill better than any intern piggy!"

But the greatest bombshell was that Hillary claimed she "will one day become President and get even with Bill." Writing in an extremely large font, Ms. Clinton said, "Just wait, you bulging trollop. When I'm officially on top here [apparently, another sexual jab at her husband], I'm getting even by forming a special club called 'TheLHT,' meaning 'The Love Hillary Team!'" Another e-mail divulged that TheLHT would have the pretty boys from Hollywood and Heads of State as charter "contributors" and that they would be slipped into the main White House kitchen in the early morning hours when The First Man was sound asleep.

All of the correspondence was handed over to the FBI by the Committee at the demand of Ms. Clinton. So far, only Ms. Matisse, some Committee higher ups, and several FBI agents are aware of this explosive material. Ms. Clinton is afraid that when Mr. Obama catches on with solid evidence as to the existence of the nine sheets of paper, he will demand their release under the Emergency Clause of The Freedom of Information Act. If that happens, this reporter feels that it will only lead to allout war between the two Democratic Party challengers and that it will soon turn into a political bloodbath, where only the Republicans will gain.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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