Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Ron Paul, Ethan

Saturday, 2 February 2008

image for Ron Paul Supporter Goes Homicidal After Dismal Florida Vote
One that got away

A Ron Paul supporter identified only as "Ethan" reacted in a homicidal rage to the dismal 28th place showing of his candidate in the Florida primaries. The Texas Congressman/Presidential Candidate finished behind not only McCain, Romney, Huckabee, and Guiliani, he was also beaten out by such write in candidates as Mickey Mouse, Britney Spears, Captain Crunch, "The guy who invented KY Jelly."

From his home in Chicago, Ethan reportedly went to a local bar, hired a half drunk construction worker for fifty dollars, and got in the bed of the man's 1997 Ford F-150 pick up truck. He instructed the man to drive him onto the nearest bumper to bumper freeway traffic jam.

Once there, Ethan took out a baseball bat and stood in the bed of the truck. Whenever any motorcyclist would attempt to drive between the slowed traffic, Ethan would take them out with a swing to the faceplate of the helmet. Drivers and passengers of neighboring cars heard him scream such things as "That's for John McCain," "Who the hell ever heard of Mike Huckabee anyway," and "What about me sleeping with my President in the Lincoln Bedroom?"

In a strange move, none of the other vehicles in the area of Ethan called the police. Said one of the drivers, "that guy did just what I've been wanting to do to those damn motorcycles for years. Maybe he went a little nuts, but they only got what they had coming to them."

This sentiment was echoed by the others at the scene. A man in a uniform of a mail carrier said that "this was a great idea! When we go postal at work, we usually just pull out guns and shoot people. This way, you just take out the annoying ones and no innocent people get hurt!"

When told that he was being taken to a mental hospital for a psychiatric examination, the man known only as Ethan asked "Is it the one they took Britney to? I'm gonna hit that skank with baseball bat! If she hadn't dominated the tv sets with all of her stupid news, they'd have had more time for Ron Paul commercials and we would have won!"

Ron Paul has asked for the baseball bat to be donated to his efforts to help finance the campaign. Bids are open for the Louisville Slugger on E-Bay and will continue through Super Tuesday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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